I hope you enjoy:
Tired and bad tempered, after a lengthy and bumpy interplanetary journey, Og 132.27 drifted unseen across the sky over London then Exeter before landing gently on a grassy knoll near the top of the hill that Oggrer interplanetary research records indicated was called Dunkery Beacon on Exmoor in West Somerset, UK.
Unable to see very much because of the high foliage, Og crawled to the top of a nearby stone and surveyed the landscape using two out of fourteen available eyes to check out the flora and fauna in the local light wave-bands whilst allocating a further ten eyes to view the terrain in micro-wave and ultra-violet wavelengths.
The spectacular riot of sound, movements, smells and colours from the countryside all around was overwhelming and quickly forced Og 132.27 to damp down the data from all incoming sensory receptors to a more comfortable level.
Of the two remaining eyes, Og quickly reserved one for checking nearby dimensions, giving insight into past local events, whilst the other eye was allocated to a dimensional matrix that hinted of nearby future events. This last eye wasn't working too well, which Og assumed was probably due to overwork from recent excessive interplanetary case-loads. This made Og an even more bad tempered Oggrer than usual and an Oggrer who was longing for retirement.
A dark shadow loomed over Og, blocking out the bright light rays from the single star above that was sending rippling patterns of cloud shapes across the moorland down to the sea, known locally as the Bristol Channel.
Absent-mindedly, Og used one of his thirty two brains to interrogate accumulated research about the main flora on the hill and found it was called 'heather' and 'gorse' by the local dominant species. Other local species didn't seem to care much what it was called.
Og focussed one of his spare brains on the unpleasant intrusion high above that was blocking the star light and made contact:
"I'm pleased you could get here at last, Ag 33.2. I've checked out 43 other interplanetary scouts on this planet while hanging around waiting for you ... and they were all on time for their progress reviews. Now could you please settle down and get rid of that annoying large form you are wearing. I've set up a cloak field so we can't be seen. Your shortage of eyes, limbs and generally odd appearance, not to mention extraordinary size, is unnerving me. Despite doing progress reports for many sun rotations across many galaxies, I still find that particular alien form ... distasteful."
Og 132.27 twitched violently as a low whistle and squelch of heather and mud underfoot announced that one of the local dominant species had emerged from behind some nearby plants. Og's second brain quickly identified these plants as 'trees' and logged the data away.
Ag casually turned towards the newly arrived human being, flashed her emerald blue eyes and spun a radiant smile in the direction of the young male. He was wearing hiking boots, a big grin and a red hat with a white bobble on top. The form Ag had adopted to travel amongst the local species was of a slim female human. With her lithe figure, dressed in short-cut jeans, loose pullover and a similar red hat over long blonde hair, Ag was by now quite used to drawing admiration from young males of this species and even the occasional appreciative whistle now left her undeterred.
Not so Og who was still trembling from the sudden piercing sound.
Ag turned away from the human, using the body language of his species to show lack of interest, but, out of the corner of her eye, watched until the young man shrugged his shoulders and then trudged off down the hill.
Seeing the coast was clear, Ag gently stepped inside Og's cloaked area, changed form and size and settled her array of legs, eyes and body with its multiple brains gently down besides Og.
"Phew, that feels better," said Ag, using the official communication frequency spectrum common in mentor situations.
Ag was trying to appear at ease but had always felt uncomfortable in the presence of Og who was a very old advisor on interplanetary cultural issues with immense power to do ... well ... pretty much whatever Og wanted. This was not good because Og clearly considered Ag to be wayward and far too sensitive to the interests of the local species under investigation. This, Og considered, prevented objective research and frequently led to indecision instead of a firm hand.
In one case, recently, Og had been obliged to require that Ag's report be completely re-composed to stress clearly that the aquatic species on a planet under review had succeeded in developing a technology that could lead to the possibility of fractured time dimensions; albeit very remotely, after a great deal of development and over many star rotations. Nevertheless, Og insisted, if the technology was ever so developed, it had the (statistically low) possibility of reverting the species' universe to its big bang status with inevitable rippling effects across many other times and spaces. Consequently, Og demanded that a stern report be sent to interplanetary HQ demanding immediate remedial action.
Ag, on the other hand, had rather been hoping that the small adverse probability of interplanetary interference would go unnoticed at Oggrer HQ which was a very bureaucratic organisation and just as quick to lose files as it was to be over concerned about far off inter-planetary risk levels caused by other species' technology. Sadly, Ag's protestations were ignored by Og and the report was changed.
Following the acceptance of Ag's heavily revised report, it was quickly determined that a virus be introduced into the intelligent fish species' food chain which genetically reduced their intelligence thus effectively preventing any further technological advance at all. Unfortunately, as a by-product, it also had the effect of enhancing their empathy levels. Soon they were all happily swimming around and affectionately rubbing themselves up against any other species they encountered, however unfriendly.
In consequence, instead of being at the top of the food chain, the hitherto intelligent fish species quickly became the favourite food for all other local species with sharp enough teeth to cut through their soft skin ... Which was almost all of them ... The end result, inevitably, was the exceedingly painful and rapid demise of all advanced aquatic intelligence on that planet.
Ag had been mortified but Og had stated adamantly that the known universe was now certain to be safe for posterity (and especially the Oggrers) which was all that mattered.
Og bulged a brain pod out to make contact with Ag's own already proffered brain pod and settled down to absorb Ag's data transfer detailing researches to date.
In the mean time, Og dedicated another brain to debriefing Ag in general terms, knowing that the rapid sequence of grunts, scratches and light frequency exchanges were absorbed by the surrounding cloak and could not be heard by anybody.
"I hope you're not going to make excuses for this species like you did with those ridiculous fish," said Og, grumpily. "I've got some scouts working elsewhere on this planet at an atomic particle smashing centre and, I'll be honest with you, it's scary. To use a phrase that is common with this local species, it's like a baby playing with gunpowder and a box of matches. Sooner or later they'll rip some fundamental elements apart and we'll have chaos in our time or at least an inter-dimensional black hole. They haven't a clue what they are getting up to and they are about as terminally curious as a comet attracted to a neutron star."
"But they are very sweet as well as curious," demurred Ag reassuringly, "and so different! Unlike ourselves, for example, they can't reproduce on their own. They are split into two halves, one part called males and the other part called females. It really took me a long time to come to terms with that. Living amongst them as a human, I had to get used to being only half a person. It was very strange. Males and females live such different lives. However, after a while, I found it was rather fun to always be looking for your other half amongst all of the other halves and, when two halves do get together, they call it 'love', it's all rather ... exciting!"
Ag projected a picture of two halves of the species having fun, being in love and getting excited.
Og shuddered.
"Please Ag, there's no reason to be distasteful." An embarrassed glimmer of colours across many light spectrums rippled over Og's body.
"I hope you haven't practised any of this 'other half' love discovering stuff. It looks positively horrible!"
"Well ... in the interests of my study," Ag mentioned carefully. "Naturally ... Um ... I felt it would be considered a necessary part of my research work."
Ag twitched multiple appendages uncomfortably, secretly relieved that the images just sent to Og had been carefully censored so they didn't show the identities of the participants in the 'other half' love discovering processes. Cloaked up as a young attractive female human being, she'd had many opportunities for 'other half' love discovering research on this planet and had used the opportunities to the fullest extent under the excuse of obtaining more data.
"And what's that ridiculous garment you were wearing on that single pathetic human head?"
"That's what they call a Father Christmas hat," said Ag. "The story is told on this planet that an old man with whiskers on his chin secretly delivers gifts to many of the human's offspring. It's a tradition they have at what they call Christmas time. They consume lots of a chemical called alcohol which alters the properties of their minds and, while they are confused, they give each other gifts, among other things."
Ag's legs shimmered with an iridescent colouration, indicating a growing degree of excitement and enthusiasm which Ag clearly found was difficult to disguise.
"Er, then they do lots of finding their other 'love halves' which leads to producing more offspring and the need for more Father Christmases to secretly arrive in the middle of the night and give the children presents."
Og shuddered. "This species seems to spend far too much time finding the other 'love halves' of themselves. Not to mention their obsession with fundamental particles. It just doesn't seem normal. Can't we just introduce a genetic change to make them happy ... just being themselves ... and not doing very much connected with biology and technology?"
"Unfortunately, frivolous genetic changes are not allowed under interplanetary order X23.pod.4," Ag gently remonstrated, knowing Og was perfectly aware of this and was probably just testing.
Og quietly reviewed some of the data that was flowing into the brain that was connected to Ag.
"Plus they seem to do a lot of fighting others of their species and also have a nasty habit of eating marginally less intelligent but quite sentient species too. Why can't they just enjoy eating rock like any other civilised species?"
Ag rustled limbs nervously seeking to mollify.
"Yes, I must admit, that took some getting used to but hunting food is such a big part of their lives. In the earlier years of their development, called the Stone Age according to their history records, they would spend most of their time chasing other species and killing them to eat ... When they were not finding their other 'love halves' with which to produce offspring, of course."
"Disgusting!"
"Naturally, these days, lots of them do other things with only a few of them needing to kill and prepare other species for eating. They call this efficiency."
"Which I suppose means that they now have more time to build machines designed to destroy atomic particles and to cause the potential inter-dimensional chaos that my other scouts have reported is possible." Clearly Og was building a strong dislike for this species with every revelation.
"Well not all of them. Some spend a lot of their time these days watching stories on their communication devices." Ag presented a picture of a television with a pair of humans watching a Christmas movie.
"Argh!" said Og. "Even in their stories, they are doing that 'other half' love finding thing."
Ag quickly altered the channel on the television. "Sorry Og! I should have previewed it first. Try this one!"
The television screen changed to show explosions, metal projectiles flying around and bits of shattered human flesh lying on the ground.
"And they watch this sort of stuff for fun?"
"Yes, but they do have their nicer moments. They have constructed things called musical instruments which make sounds in their hearing spectrum that they call music. Some of these sounds are quite nice once you get used to them."
"And what do they do while they are listening to this music stuff?"
"Well, actually, quite a lot of the time, especially the younger ones ... Er, I don't know how to put this ..."
Privately, and with growing alarm, Ag was beginning to think the days of this species were as doomed as the intelligent fish Ag had previously researched.
Og quivered all over and screeched on multiple wavelengths in exasperation.
"Stop! You don't need to tell me, I can guess what they do to the music ... Now, Ag 33.2, we can't let this species continue in this way or we'll have whole planetary systems dressed in red hats and looking for their 'other half' love things whilst exploding fundamental particles out of curiosity, without doubt inevitably leading to the complete destruction of all our dimensions!"
Og continued, grumpily. "I've seen enough. I'm going to call an end to the investigation of these humans. Consider yourself relieved of your duties. I'll submit a report to Oggrer HQ for the engineers to craft a genetic virus that sorts these humans out. Since they are so keen on killing and eating other sentient species, perhaps we can arrange for them to kill and eat each other ... Yes ... That would be very appropriate and efficient too. With all the finding 'other halves' they do, the gene would transmit throughout their species very quickly. They'd eat each other and then we can stop worrying about their stupid curiosity and its threat to end our properly regulated universes."
"I wish you wouldn't be so hasty," said Ag. "You are condemning their species to destruction on mere speculation and I think they might have a lot to offer."
"It's too late. My decision is final," snarled Og. "While we've been talking, I've had one of my brains reassigning all the other scouts on this planetary system to new duties. There is a system of intelligent clouds that are restructuring electrical fields in an alarming way on the other side of this universe that needs investigating. Consequently, I've told the other scouts to immediately leave this planet and carry out new researches there."
As for myself, I'm retiring after this assignment and desperately need a holiday, especially after being subjected to all these unnatural 'other half' love finding activities you've been describing. So, I'm the only Oggrer left on this planet now, apart from you, and I'm off imminently."
Viciously, Og separated their brain pod connections, deeming the data flow now irrelevant.
Ag internally gazed sadly at the remaining data now to be left unsent to Og and reported to Oggrer HQ. It was mainly about Christmas and showed members of this planet's dominant species sitting around bright red log fires and dancing together to the sound of musicians. Adults and children were holding hands, smiling and giving each other gifts, seemingly inspired by the 'loving' thing so important to them ... In quiet places, other adults were joining together in their beautiful private dances where two halves become one whole, dreaming together of children born out of 'love' to continue the future of their species.
Og crashed into Ag's thoughts, tersely issuing an ultimatum. "You'd better get off this planet quick. Your form changing fields are due to be switched off shortly. Unless you leave now, you will be stranded. Frankly, I'm indifferent to what you do. Over sentimental interplanetary researchers are always easy to replace!"
Outside the cloaking force field, the young male walker had returned and was standing nearby gazing across the countryside admiring the beauty of the Exmoor hills and valleys in the setting sun. He thought there could be the smell of snow in the air.
Something indefinable about the young lady he'd seen earlier on this hill had drawn him back ... almost required him to return.
A twig snapped behind him. He turned around and found the beautiful young lady studying him. Quickly she lifting her foot and stamped at something on the ground that made a crunching sound.
Smiling, she held out her hand, compelling him to take it. Now, deep down inside, he knew he'd been right to return.
As they walked together down the moorland path, she asked what had brought him to Exmoor and he replied he was on holiday from his work as a nuclear research scientist.
"I'm called Agatha and I know a bit about particle physics," she said.
Agatha would now be her permanent name after, minutes ago, one stamp of her foot had severed all contact with her own species and ensured Og would never get to submit any report at all on this planet.
"It was a very secret research establishment," she said. "I couldn't tell you about the place where I worked but perhaps I could discuss some of the science."
"I'm called Alec." He smiled at her admiringly. "Brains and beauty, What more could I want?"
"I could help you with some of your work. We could exchange ideas," said Agatha, chattily. "There are things you need to be careful about when you are dealing with the most powerful fundamental elements of the universe."
"Probably there are," he said, laughing lightly, "but, before anything else, I want to know what you are planning to do for Christmas?"
Agatha gazed happily into his blue eyes and reached up to stroke his wavy fair hair.
"I'd love you to show me all that is wonderful about Christmas around here. I want country pubs, music, gifts, happiness, roaring fires and maybe even a bit of that mind altering stuff I've heard you make locally."
"Mmmm," Alec said. "You'll love our local mulled cider, made from apples grown in orchards between the hills and perhaps later I'll introduce you to some of our wassailing traditions. Also, while I'm home for these few weeks over Christmas, I've been asked to play a part in the local pantomime for the children. They were looking for more people to be involved. Perhaps you might like to play a part too."
"That sounds perfect," said Agatha, "and while we are learning our parts, perhaps we can talk about sharing our understanding of particles too."As one they trudged down the hillside and then, still holding hands, disappeared into the woods.
Far away, across the universe, Oggrers industriously continued their interplanetary researches, ate rocks and quickly forgot they had ever encountered a species in two halves with a passionate interest in love and a curiosity for the properties of fundamental atomic particles ... leaving Alec and Agatha to live happily ever after.
The End
A note about Xmas on Exmoor by author Rob Hopcott:
I hope you have enjoyed this Christmas short story or short fiction that I have written for all my friends online instead of sending out Christmas cards. This free online short story for 2011 continues the short Christmas stories tradition that I have maintained for some years now.
It is a small thing but it pleases me and I hope it gives others some pleasure.
Perhaps you would also like to read some of my Christmas stories from previous years :-)
For last Christmas's short story and details of previous years free online short Christmas stories see:
Christmas Card from the President of the World - a sci-fi Christmas short story for 2010 by Rob Hopcott
A Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New year!
Bye for now
Rob
Rob Hopcott - online author
Note: this Christmas short story is copyright Rob Hopcott 2011, all rights reserved. All characters and places in this Christmas short story and other free on-line humor, short stories, flash fictions, science fictions, micro-fictions, sudden fictions, post card fictions or very short stories on this site, are fictitious and no reference is intended to any person or organization, living or otherwise on this planet or any other.
